This was a household.
He put my bag down and said he’d stay on the sofa, and I said, in the mild interested voice of a woman meeting her brother’s home for the first time, that it was a lovely apartment.
And then I went into the second bedroom and shut the door and sat on the end of the bed for about an hour.
On the third night, I found the envelope.
It was in the drawer of the hall console under a phone charger and a parking permit. Wexford Savings, addressed to Fennimore Court, unopened, thick.
I did not open it. I photographed the front of it, put it back exactly as it was, and went to bed.
I have never been so awake in my life.
Because there was one thing I had not been able to make fit for three days, and looking at that envelope it finally moved.
Everybody had told me I’d been in an accident on the Vesper Road overpass at four in the afternoon on a Tuesday.
And I could not remember one single second of that Tuesday.
Not the crash — nobody remembers the crash. I could not remember waking up. I could not remember breakfast. I could not remember why I would have been anywhere near Vesper Road, which is nowhere near my office, nowhere near our house, and nowhere near anything I have ever had a reason to drive to.
I had been faking amnesia for four days.
And the whole time, there had been a real hole, and I had been too busy performing to look into it.
PART 3
Retrograde amnesia around a head injury is completely ordinary. My neurologist explained it to me twice and did not find any of it dramatic. The brain does not file the last stretch before an impact. Sometimes it’s minutes. Sometimes it’s most of a day. It often does not come back.
Mine was about eleven hours. Waking up on the Tuesday to the crash.
She told me, kindly, that people find the gap distressing out of proportion to its size, and that I should not go hunting in it, and that if it came back it would come back on its own.
I did not tell her that I had spent four days pretending the gap was my whole life. I have never been able to work out whether that was shame or strategy and I suspect it was both.
But I did the arithmetic on that ward at two in the morning, and it is very simple arithmetic.
Whatever I was doing on that Tuesday, I was doing it alone, at four in the afternoon, on a road I have no business being on.
And when I woke up unable to account for it, the first thing my husband did was tell me I was somebody else.
So on the sixth day I called a taxi while Desmond was at the hospital, and I went to the impound lot on Kell Street with my registration and my driver’s license and forty-one dollars in cash.
The car was a write-off. The whole front left was gone.
The glove box opened on the second try.
Inside there were the manual, an ice scraper, a packet of tissues, and a letter from Wexford Savings addressed to me at Quarry Row, opened, refolded, and put back in its envelope.
Dated eleven days before the accident.
It was a standard notification of the sort a bank sends when a loan account is opened. Home equity line of credit, secured against the property at Quarry Row. One hundred and eighty thousand dollars, drawn in full, in three tranches.
It listed the disbursement address for the correspondence.
Fennimore Court, unit 906.
I read the address four times before it did anything. I had been sleeping in that building for two nights. I had made tea in that kitchen that morning.
I sat in the driver’s seat of my own wrecked car in a gravel lot in the middle of the afternoon and everything came back, and it came back all at once and it was not gentle.
I had opened that letter on a Tuesday morning. I had stood in my own kitchen and read it twice and then looked up the address on my phone at the counter. I remember the countertop. I remember that I did not call him, because if I called him he would have an hour to think.
I got in the car and I drove toward Fennimore Court, and I never got there, because a delivery van went through the light at Vesper Road at four in the afternoon.
That is the whole thing. That is what the two hours contained.
I had faked losing my memory as a joke, in a hospital bed, twenty hours after actually losing the only two hours that mattered.
And my husband had looked at a woman who could not remember why she’d been driving, and he had made a decision in about one second, and he had said: I’m your brother.
I want to be fair, and this is the closest to fair I can get.
I do not think he planned it. I have never thought he planned it. Pia was three floors up in the same building, on the same insurance, in the same system, and a nurse could have said the wrong sentence in either room at any moment of any day.
He had about a second and a half, and he improvised, and then he had to build seven days on top of it.
But the loan was eleven days before the crash. The apartment was four months before that. The signature on the loan application — and I have seen it, at a table in Harriet Nunn’s office with a magnifier — is a competent, unhurried, careful forgery of my name.
That took an afternoon and a steady hand. That was not a second and a half.
And there is one more thing about the letter in the glove box that I have never been able to put down.
It was refolded.
Not crumpled, not shoved. Folded back along its original creases and returned to its envelope, which is a thing I do, which is a thing I have done with every piece of paper I have ever been upset by, and which is the single most me detail in this entire account.
I read that letter in my own kitchen and my hands were steady enough to fold it in thirds.
I have thought about that woman standing at the counter a great deal. She had eleven days of not knowing left, and about six hours of knowing, and then a van at an intersection took the six hours away from her and gave her back to me four days later in a hospital bed, mid-joke.
I would like to have met her. She sounds like she was handling it.
PART 4
Harriet Nunn practices out of two rooms above a bakery on Corliss Street and has been doing this for thirty-one years.
She told me three things at the first meeting, and I wrote all three down.
One: do not confront him. Not once, not about anything.
Two: everything in that apartment that has my name on it, photograph, do not remove.
Three — and she said this last and slowly — a person who has forged a signature once has generally forged it more than once, and I should stop thinking of the hundred and eighty thousand as the number.
It was not the number.
Otto Brandt died six years ago and his money was substantial and it was gone by the second year, because Pia’s protocol is out of network, and because there is an infusion she has been on for eleven months that costs a little over twenty-two thousand dollars a month, and because the private room at Bellhaven is nine hundred a night.
Between the equity line, a personal loan, two credit accounts in my name that I have never held a card for, and eleven withdrawals from an investment account my mother left me, the total is a little over four hundred and ten thousand dollars.
The last withdrawal is dated two days after my accident.
Two days. I was in a bed on the third floor with a dressing on my eyebrow and my husband was signing my name in an office across town.
And then Harriet found the other thing, which was not money.
Desmond had called a firm in Alderport on the Wednesday — the day after the crash, the day after I woke up and said who are you — and asked for a consultation regarding temporary guardianship of an adult family member following a traumatic brain injury.
He used the phrase cognitive impairment. It is in their intake note. Harriet has a copy.
He had not filed anything. He may never have filed anything. I have gone around and around on whether he actually would have.
Harriet has a view. She has watched this for thirty-one years and she says that the call is the fact, and that whether he filed is a question about his nerve rather than about his intention.
She said: people do not call that number to find out what their options are. They call it to find out how hard it is.
I asked her what the honest answer to that question is, in this state, for a spouse with a documented brain injury and a treating physician who has written the words post-concussive cognitive impairment in a chart.
She said: not very.
But it took him under forty-eight hours to convert my worst joke into a legal strategy, and I know what I know about the man I was married to, and I have stopped arguing with myself about it.
Now Pia.
I have to be careful here because there is a version of this where she is a villain and that version is a lie.
Pia Brandt did not know I existed.
She believed she had been married to Desmond for six years. She had a ring. She had a story about a small ceremony at her father’s house that she could tell you in detail, and she could tell it in detail because he had told it to her.
There is no marriage. I checked. There is no license anywhere in this state or the two adjoining it.
He never married her. He simply told her they were married, and she was thirty-eight and dying and she believed the only person who came every day.
I found that out in September, in that corner room, when he was downstairs.
I did not tell her. I want that on the record, because Harriet advised me to and I did not do it.
She worked it out herself. She was not a stupid woman; she had been a structural engineer before she got sick.
She asked me one question. She said: he calls you Sylvie in the same voice.
And I said yes.
And she closed her eyes and did not open them for a while.
Then she asked me how long we had been married, and I told her three years, and she did the arithmetic out loud — because she had been an engineer and that is what engineers do with a bad number, they say it in the room — and she worked out that he had been telling her about the small ceremony at her father’s house during the same autumn he was choosing a frame for our wedding photograph.
She said: I want you to know I would not have let him.
I said I knew that.
She said: no. Listen. I have four weeks and I am not going to spend one of them being someone’s excuse.
And then she said: get me a notary.
PART 5
Pia Brandt gave a sworn statement on the twenty-first of September in a private room at Bellhaven, with a notary, a nurse as a second witness, and Harriet Nunn asking the questions.
It ran nine pages. She stopped four times.
She died on the eleventh of October.
I saw her twice more before that. Neither visit was long and neither of them was about him.
The second time she asked me to describe our house. Not for any reason — she said she was tired of the ceiling and wanted a different room to be in.
So I described Quarry Row for about twenty minutes. The magnolia. The step that gives. The bad kitchen light. She fell asleep somewhere around the upstairs landing and I sat there until the nurse came.
I have never been able to decide whether that was a kindness I did her or one she did me, and it is the only twenty minutes of that entire year I would live again.
I was not there at the end. Desmond was, and I have never begrudged him that, and I would not have wanted to be.
The rest of it went the way these things go, which is slowly and on paper.
Wexford Savings’ fraud unit had a forensic document examiner named Winnifred Ochs look at four signatures. Her report is fifty-one pages and its conclusion runs to one line.
The equity line was voided against the house. That took nine months and it is the single largest thing that happened to me in the whole account, because it meant Quarry Row was mine and had always been mine.
The criminal side is still going. It has been two years. Harriet says another year, possibly two. There is a real chance that the worst thing that ever happens to him is a suspended sentence and a repayment schedule.
I have made my peace with that and I want to say how, because it took a while.
For about eight months I wanted a sentence. I wanted a number of years said out loud in a room by somebody in a robe, and I was extremely honest with Harriet about wanting it, and she was extremely honest back, which is that the system does not sell that and I should not spend two years shopping for it.
What I have instead is fifty-one pages by Winnifred Ochs, and nine pages sworn by a woman who was four weeks from dying and used one of them on this.
Those two documents exist. They will keep existing. Nobody can talk me out of what happened in a lobby at Bellhaven, because two strangers with no reason to care wrote it down.
Carrow put him on leave in the spring and did not bring him back. The department did not have to be told twice; a colleague of his had already spent a year quietly not asking about the second apartment.
Fennimore Court sold in March. The proceeds went where they were always going to go, which is against the debt, and there was not much left over.
The divorce was uncontested. He did not fight one line of it. His lawyer’s letters were four sentences long.
I only saw him once after the lobby. Not by arrangement — in a supermarket in Alderport, in November, three weeks after her funeral, and neither of us said anything at all.
I have been asked, more than once, whether I forgive him for Pia.
That is the wrong question and I have finally learned how to say why.
He did not ruin my life to keep a dying woman alive. If he had come to me in the first week — if he had sat down at the table at Quarry Row and said, Otto’s money is gone and she is thirty-eight and she has nobody, and I need to remortgage the house — I would have said yes.
I want that written down plainly. I would have said yes. It would have been the worst conversation of our marriage and I would have said yes by the end of it.
What he could not do was ask.
He would rather forge my name four hundred and ten thousand dollars’ worth than sit across a table and be told no by his wife, and when the chance came to make me not his wife at all, he took it in a second and a half without blinking.
That is what I know about him now. Everything else is detail.
I cleared the apartment myself, in February, because I wanted to and because Harriet said I was allowed to.
I did the kitchen and the closets and the bathroom last.
There were two toothbrushes in a cup by the sink. Hers had been there since August and she had not used it since August, and he had not moved it, and I stood there for a long time before I understood that of course he hadn’t.
Whatever else that man is, and I have a list, he did not move her toothbrush.
I put them both in the bin at the same time, and turned the light off, and gave the keys back at the desk.
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